The Suez Canal blockage theories & ideas

The Ever Given, a container ship almost as long as the Empire State Building is tall, ran aground on March 23 after being caught in 40-knot winds and a sandstorm that caused low visibility and poor navigation, the Suez Canal Authority (SCA) said in a statement.

27 March 2021

The Suez canal blockage is becoming a bit more of a problem than originally thought it would be. With the ship still stuck in the canal and companies desperately trying to dislodged the ship to no avail.

I have a few theories as to how or why this accident happened and a few questions also to pose.

Let me discuss my theories first.

To me it seems that this has been caused on purpose, because of maybe a trade war or something along those lines and although the captain has a excuse as to how it happened, surely a vessel of that size would have :

  • GPS navigation
  • Speed limiting integration for narrow passage ways
  • Advanced warning systems
  • Weather maps and precautionary measures for low visibility scenarios

I mean the ship is 400 Metres long and 59 Metres wide and weighs 224000 Ton.

The speed limit in the canal is 9 knots (16.7 kmh) with the average consistent speed required for travel through the canal is 5 knots (9.26 kmh).

Impact of Suez Canal traffic jam

Around $10 billion worth of goods moves through the Suez Canal every day with the blockage triggering export and import panic around the globe.

So let’s say if this lasts for 10 days, that is in theory –

$100 Billion worth of goods on cargo ships with merchandise destined for various parts of the world. That’s a lot of money floating there blocked by one ship.

Now let’s say someone comes along and decides to set off a big bomb in that specific area………

You know like China or some country like that……..Well……

We are all fucked.

Because then we have debris and boats and people and covid and rocks and dirt and shit blocking the channel, plus a big mother fucking ship. You wont be getting through anytime in a hurry.

But you know it may not happen…………..

There is probably no-one out there in the world that is thinking about world domination and things like that…….

Yeh nah.

Or here is another scenario.

Jo Blo the captain of the Ever Given was not paying attention to driving a humongous ship through a narrow channel – you know he had more important things to do like facebook and porn.

And by the time he realised he was heading towards an embankment, it was too fucking late, so he just strapped in and hoped for the best.

Which is what we have now.

The best.

So then, how do we solve the problem?

Well the present attempts at dislodging the ship, trying to dig it out with a excavator, push it with pugs etc are obviously not working. I have a few suggestions of anyone is interested. Some of them are imaginary and impossible to achieve, but it’s worth the laugh.

Option 1 (Most realistic idea)

Hit the front of the ship closest to the shore it is wedged on with a massive ramming device or sledge hammer machine. Hit that fucker hard in the right spot and it should dislodge. But………

  • It may damage the ship or at least dent it.
  • The logistics in getting such a machine there may be very difficult.
  • It would probably be pretty expensive.
  • It may not work.

Option 2 (Not at all a realistic idea)

Get Godzilla to push the ship away from the edge of the shore. But………

  • Godzilla may get carried away and mash the ship into the ground, chew on it then chuck it half-way to Africa.
  • Godzilla may walk past it and and just fuck something else up instead.
  • It would most definitely damage the ship and it’s cargo.
  • Godzilla is not real.

Option 3 (Probably not that realistic either)

Get a god-like person from the heavens to push the ship on it’s way. It should be a piece of piss. But……….

  • It seems spirits in heavens are hard to contact for help.
  • It seems perhaps they would rather wreak havoc and then watch from afar. E.g. Corona virus, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes. All currently happening at the same time around the world………
  • It really is a very unrealistic scenario.

Option 4 (A possibility, but probably not)

Get the HAARP machine up and running and get that wind blowing to catch the ship and blow it back into canal so it can be on it’s merry way. But……

  • If they did this the governments of the world that use the HAARP machine would have to tell the world that it really does exist.

Option 5 (Probably not going to happen)

Hire a wave machine from Kennards or where-ever they sell them in that part of the world. And make a big mother fucking wave to dislodge the ship up and away. I am sure this idea would work but not sure if the wave machine is practicable. The wave is………

I guess the whole crux of the situation is that what they are trying currently is not working, and time is ticking away with a very bleak outlook for world trade, oil etc and then things running out and everybody once again going into panic mode due to everything that may run out like you know – Toilet paper, food, petrol and stuff like that.

The longer it goes on the worse it is going to get.

Time to get this show on the road lads.